Semangatku Tertinggal Di....

Sudah terlalu lama bertahan, sampai satu masa aku buntu dan aku mengalah. Nothing happened as I planned because His plan is better than mine. I just want to finish my post-internship break by taking care of ayah but Allah loves him more. Berada di rumah buat aku terbayang bayangkan dia. Lagi sedih pabila aku lihat ruang tamu, ruang terakhir aku lihat ayah terbaring kaku. I cried like every single day and every night. On my last day of internship, one of the staff who is responsible for staff's leave checked all my leave records. She saw my leave remarks as I took leave because ayah was in coma and 26 days later I took leave as ayah passed away. She looked at me and asked, "Is it better now?". I just smiled and left her place. I cried then. Well, ada banyak sangat perkara yang aku inginkan. Aku nak habiskan study, convo dan of course aku nak mak ayah ada masa convocation day aku nanti. Kalau ada jodoh untuk berkahwin, aku nak ayah nikahkan aku sendiri. Kalau ada rezeki Allah kurniakan anak, aku nak anak aku panggil mak dan ayah aku atuk dan nenek. Aku suka sangat tengok mak ayah main dengan baby and I wish I could see my parents hold my baby. Well, again that was just my plan. And yeah it won't happen that way. I stop hoping more. I don't feel like excited to plan and hope this and that. I just can't do that anymore. Pabila kawan2 asyik suruh kahwin, aku ketawa jela. As they said, "kitorang plan nak suruh sya kahwin supaya sya ada teman boleh berkongsi rasa dan cerita". Well my dear friend, I just can't. Tapi serius la aku dah macam tak kisah apa sangat. Tapi jadi makin penyedih asyik nak menangis moody semua tu ada la sebab cepat touching. Melampau kan? Tu la susahnya bila kuat pendam dan just act like I am fine!fine!fine! Tipu sangat kau jemah! *cubit diri sendiri* Sebenarnya aku dalam keadaaan "aku okay jela tapi tak okay sangat". Hah complicatednya jemah ni. *menangis tepi bucu dinding* 

Ok dah puas menangis. Nak main games la. Mata dah bengkak asyik menangis ni. Sorry for those people who need to deal with complicated me. Haha. Well you all mesti complicated jugak kan? Hidup ni bukan sentiasa indah je kan. Everybody ada ujian dan dugaan masing masing. Aku nak mencari semangat baru ni. Tapi masih merangkak rangkak nak bangun mencari. Bersabar ya sementara aku dalam proses mencari cari ni. Peace! (V)

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